Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Don't Be a Sinner or Don't Be a Dick?

Busy news day. I really want to tackle the "new" sins that the Vatican just released but first I have to give a shout out to Eliot Spitzer who as my old roommate Ben pointed out is causing a riot in fantasy baseball leagues around the country as people scramble to the be the first to change their team name to "Client 9". You could also go "Emperor VIP" if you so desire.

With that out of the way, let's look at these new sins which to me look less like sins and more like ways to be a complete asshole. Let's check out the list.

1) "Genetic Experimentation"
I'm not really sure what this means. I guess we should not clone people. Honestly, if I want to make a carbon copy of a person I dislike just so that I can bring that person around with me everywhere I go to belittle and humiliate them I think I should have that right.

2) "Drugs"
Um, let's keep the Vatican away from as many American colleges and universities as humanly possible.

3) "Abortion"
So NOW what are people going to do in back-allies with coat hangers?

4) "Pedophilia"
Well I can't really argue this one. Don't touch kids. Seems pretty simple to me.

5) "Pollution"
This falls more under the "don't be a dick" category than anything else doesn't it? I would not call a litter bug (wow, the first time "litter bug has been used since 1987) a sinner, I'd call them an asshole.

6) "Being Obscenely Rich"
Again, this seems more like a "don't be a dick" situation than a sin. If you have loads, and loads, and loads of money and you spend all day pissing it away and using it to gas up your super-sized hummer and to heat your McMansion while not even remotely giving back then I'd call you a dick before I'd call you a sinner.

7) "Social Injustice"
This one is too heavy and I can't discuss it without getting serious. Therefore no jokes attached to this one. Sorry. "But don't you hate pants?!" (come on, Simpsons anyone??)

That's it for me. I'm off to take some bong hits while looking at some kid pornography and throwing trash out of my window. Then it's time for me to count my money, commit tax evasion so as to ensure minimal funding for schools and such, and then study up on becoming an abortion doctor. Obviously a busy night on tap for me.

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